Oftentimes we behave in a way that is not quite appropriate to the situation, regretting our outbursts and find ourselves having to apologize once again for blowing up, reacting, and playing out. Only to do the exact same thing a few days later or the next time the same situation arises. We try to change our undesirable behavior and for a few days we might even be successful but we soon find ourselves back to the same old patterns. This is how we run away from our true emotions. Instead of looking at the actual emotion that rises, we just respond automatically to the situation, the circumstance. These responses are pre-existing inclinations that have become habitual behavioral reactions.. In this blog we will look at why this happens.
While we are living our daily lives, we face different circumstances giving us opportunities to examine our emotional dynamics and learn from them. We see the pre-existing inclinations toward some experiences that are habitual behaviors we have created over time. We no longer think about the current circumstances before taking action, we just see a familiar circumstance, feel a familiar emotion and respond as per our habitual pattern. In other words we have “disempowered our own intellect”, we no longer think about each individual circumstance, we just respond as we did previously.
Let me put it simply. Once upon a time I bought a house. Life was good. I had received my annual increase, not as good as I would have liked, but an increase nevertheless. The sun was up and it was a beautiful Saturday morning. I had planned a get together with some friends in the afternoon to chill around the pool, so all I had to do was go to the shops beforehand to grab some drinks and snacks. I took my morning coffee outside to enjoy the early sun and realized that the grass was rather long and really needed cutting if I wanted the garden to look good for our pool party. Arrgh! The last thing I felt like was dragging out the lawn mower, the edge cutter and getting all sweaty! Luckily it was just after payday, I had the money, why not do what everyone else does and just call in a garden service? Eagerly I grabbed me phone, got onto our local neighborhood group and asked if anyone could recommend a garden service that could help me out in a hurry, not long I started receiving a whole bunch of replies! My luck was in, I called the one whose name came up a few times and hey presto, and the chap was in the neighborhood and could fit me in between calls within the hour. A bit pricey, but heck, isn’t that convenience for you! This was perfect, I booked him and before I knew it, he was knocking at my door. Within a short while, a quarter of the time it would have taken me, my garden looked like a show piece.
A week or so later, drinking my cup of coffee outside I noticed the show house garden needed a trim again, well, I knew that I should attend to it before it got out of hand, but I had booked a hair appointment later that day and being a Saturday, my leisure time is precious and I really did not feel up to it. Back to my phone, I had saved the garden services number for a rainy day and while this was not really a rainy day, he wasn’t too expensive so it seemed like a good idea to call him. Yet again he had some time available, all I had to do was leave the side gate open and he’d pop past when he had a chance. I went out and by the time I came home, my garden looked once again like that show piece. Ah, this was effortless and pleasing.
As the grass grows, the need to cut it becomes a regular occurrence until I eventually just put in a call every other Saturday to the garden service without even looking out the window to check the state of the garden. A few months later, my car packed in, something or other that only the mechanic seemed to understand. Was not in my budget and really did put me out of pocket. So while I was having my coffee out in the garden on Saturday, on the phone chatting to my girlfriends I noticed the grass again, and put in a quick call to my garden service.
A year has passed, I had to upgrade my car eventually, the new installments are killing me but let me tell you, I have a show piece of a garden. I no longer THINK about my own ability to cut the grass. My financial well-being is not considered. My response to the situation is now habitual. I no longer use my intellect to consider the current circumstance each time, the time on my hands, the exercise and the financial costs. Nothing, nada! I see something familiar, I remember my previous response and I act accordingly, all on a sub-conscious level. I have effectively disempowered my own intellect.
A simple story I understand, but effective in explaining how easily we slip into habitual behaviors and more importantly habitual responses. We can use this simple example to understand how this happens on different emotional levels. How we react to fearful situation, like conflict, nervousness or anxiety. These therefore become pre-existing inclinations toward certain experiences under certain conditions.
Let’s say there has been an issue in the office due to a problem with a report or project you were working on. You have now been called in for an unexpected meeting with your Boss. Notice how your body responds, you may feel that fear in your solar plexus or your stomach suddenly goes weak. This may feel very similar to when you were a child being called into the School Principals office as a child, or having to face a very angry parent. Your body automatically recalls previous experiences which invoked the same kind of fear or anxiety and our body reacts as it did that very first time we experienced that situation. The circumstance is a trigger for the emotional pattern.
The circumstances are different but the emotional patterns remain the same. For the most part, people can accept and understand this, and then try to change the circumstances. People may try to change jobs, change friends move house even change spouses to rectify these emotional patterns. In other words they try to eliminate the triggers instead of focusing on the patterns themselves.
These are our defense mechanisms our forms of denial even. We don’t need to spend years exploring them in order to heal. We can learn to recognize them, and direct our focus of attention through the distraction of the circumstances.
Idea to ponder:
Awareness of Emotions + Physical Sensations + Thoughts accompanying the sensations = Road to Healing
in order to address and resolve painful emotions, it is necessary to explore the underlying dynamics that contribute to their creation. Simply encountering circumstances that trigger painful emotions repeatedly without understanding their root causes may lead to a continuation of such emotional pain. By delving deeper into the interior dynamics, it becomes possible to gain insight into why these emotions arise and find ways to move beyond them.
Exploring the interior dynamics of emotional pain involves self-reflection and introspection. It may require examining one’s thoughts, beliefs, patterns of behavior, and past experiences to identify any underlying factors that contribute to the pain. This process can be facilitated through various means, such as therapy, journaling, meditation, or seeking support from others.
By gaining a deeper understanding of the interior dynamics that create emotional pain, individuals can work towards healing and personal growth. They can develop coping strategies, change unhelpful patterns, challenge negative beliefs, and cultivate a greater sense of self-awareness and emotional well-being.
However, it’s important to note that everyone’s journey is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to addressing emotional pain. Seeking professional help from therapists or counselors can be valuable in navigating these challenges and gaining personalized guidance.
In future blogs we will look at what the different reactions and behaviors are and how we use them to avoid having to deal with these emotions. We react using anger, sex, workaholic, pleasing, boredom, impenetrable optimism, alcohol, eating to name but a few methods of denial.
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